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THE IMMIGRANT FAMILY: HEALING THE LOST BOND

~ A roadmap for counseling the immigrant parents and children struggling to reconnect after a long separation. Guidelines and insights for therapists, educators and other professionals working with this population.

THE IMMIGRANT FAMILY: HEALING THE LOST BOND

Tag Archives: family reunification

Deportation, the painful experience of parents taken away through the eyes of a child. Post 75.

29 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in bilingual mental health, Counseling Immigrants, Deportation, deportation of undocumented parents, family separation and reunification, Immigrant families, Immigrant parents and children, Mental health, Multicultural Counseling, Separation and Attachment, Undocumented immigrants

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Effects of parent-child separation, family reunification, immigrant families and trauma.

 This is not the first time this topic is discussed in this blog. It was the focus of a post in October of last year. Post 69. However, the news brought it with great emotional force to public attention when a celebrity Latino young woman shared her personal experience of living the kind of pain and shock a child lives when confronted with the fact that his/her parents are not coming back home, taken away to be deported. An empty house and suddenly alone. No news, no calls, until the neighbors come to tell her most feared event: her parents have been taken to a detention center to be deported. At 14, just thinking of where she could hide, as they would surely be coming for her too. No official from the government ever called to see if she had somebody to take care of her or food to eat, she recalls. Only the call allowed to his father to communicate the sad news that night.

Diane Guerrero, the young actress in Orange is the New Black, playing the role of Maritza Ramos and the role of Lina in Jane the Virgin, was interviewed for CNN after publishing her story in the Los Angeles Times. She was taken in by a family, friends of the parents. Her older brother had been detained together with them. She survived working small jobs and through the generosity of friends.  Her parents came undocumented from Colombia, during a time of great instability and violence in that country and they tried for a long time to get their permanent residence papers with no success. They still live in Colombia and she sees them once a year, but the separation took an irreparable toll on their relationship.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2839266/Orange-New-Black-actress-breaks-interview-recounts-day-parents-deported-leaving-U-S-aged-14.html

Diane Guerrero

OITNB

Miss Guerrero, who is a US citizen, born in New Jersey,  is sharing her painful experience and publishing a memoir “In the Country We Love: My Family Divided”, in the hope to create a more compassionate approach to the problem of deporting undocumented parents and separating them from their children. She also volunteers at a center that works assisting immigrants with their legal needs.

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12. HOW DO WE HELP THEM? Continuation. 11. Post 41.

07 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Dreamers, family separation and reunification, Immigrant Families, Immigrant parents and children, Multicultural Counseling

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Central America, Counseling the Immigrant family, Daniel Siegel, Effects of parent-child separation, family reunification, immigrant families and trauma., The Adolescent Brain, unaccompanied minors, Undocumented minors

Negative emotions such as anxiety, depression, anger and fear are time and again overwhelming for these youngsters, as they, as many other adolescents, often lack effective and healthy ways of managing them.  For that reason providing them with such tools becomes vital.  In my search at the time, I found that teaching deep relaxation and guided imagery to the youngsters, either individually, or in group, was a great opportunity for them to learn new ways of dealing with those feelings and stress in general. There are so many excellent audio/visual materials available, even if mainly in English.  One such source is the wonderful audio materials of well- known expert Belleruth Naparstek, in her General Wellness. Staying Well with Guided Imagery. Audio series (Naparstek, 2005).  In trying to find the best ways to use resources such as those, I made a translation/adaptation CD, so that a student could go to the school clinic, lie down and play the CD in one of the cubicles, when he or she was feeling under a lot of stress.  The school nurse and the school nurse aid were very helpful in allowing students, previously identified,  to come to the clinic and use a school CD player for that purpose and the audio/visual department in the high school spent a lot of time helping me in the development of a couple of short length CD’s with guided imagery to relieve stress and anxiety.  Just like all adolescents, our Hispanic students get quickly savvy in the use of electronic devices and my fantasy was that in time, students could become more and more familiar with resources like that and could download such materials in their MP3 and use them at home, or anywhere they pleased. The students were also taught some of these helpful stress relief strategies in the group sessions as well, so they could learn how to use them by themselves at home, and even in a classroom format with the support and blessing of the English as a Second Language (ESOL) teacher. They were introduced to them as learning helpful and proven strategies to calm unpleasant emotions such as “nerves”, anger and sadness, providing examples of such situations based on their daily lives as students or members of a family, so they could identify with them and feel motivated to try them.  The person teaching the strategies also could testify of their effectiveness as a regular user herself or himself. Warnings that someone may fall asleep were also given in advance, with the advice to ignore them and continue your exercise, as that could happen because these exercises increased the total relaxation of your body which was the desired and a wonderful response. Additionally, another resource for finding these stress management skills in a format already adapted for the adolescent can be found in a book already mentioned, in the post about the adolescent brain by Dr. Daniel Siegel, MD.  In this book, he uses mindfulness meditation skills to teach adolescents many different exercises to relieve stress in a user friendly language: The Adolescent Brain (Siegel, 2014). A translation to Spanish is probably due soon, as his book about younger children has already been translated (Siegel, 2012)

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12. HOW DO WE HELP THEM? Continuation. 10. Post 40

28 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Counseling Immigrants, Dreamers, Immigrant Families, Mental health, Multicultural Counseling, Separation and Attachment

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Central America, family reunification, Helping immigrant children and parents reconnect, Helping the Immigrant family heal after separation, parent-child conflict in immigrant families, Undocumented minors

hispanic adolescents

Group Counseling

Counseling teens in a group format, with other youth who experience similar pain in reuniting with their family, has proven a successful mode of intervention in the school system.  The group becomes a source of support and nurturing even outside of the session, although the members may or may not be friends or classmates.  In the experience of the author, these groups worked best for her when they were open and long term in their format, so members can stay for an extended time (in a few cases all through high school). In this format, new members are added each year, as some graduate, move, or cannot continue to attend. The more experienced members can then guide the new ones through the group process and help them develop trust with each other and new communication skills. Many other clinicians work in a short term group format with a limited number of sessions and a specific content. References to that kind of model will be described later as well.  In the long term open group format, the members may originate from the workshops on the reunited families, as students interested in further counseling are identified after the presentation. Or, they may be offered the group during individual sessions with them from referrals from teachers, or self-referrals. In any case, every candidate has an intake with the clinician to evaluate the issues and needs for services of each child and to establish rapport. Participation in the group is voluntary. This kind of group can be run with one or two leaders.  The ideal leader is someone who has gone through the experience of group therapy as a member/patient, who has had training in group therapy or is receiving supervised training, is continually upgrading his/her skills and is comfortable with this mode of counseling. In the group and under the ongoing modeling, encouraging and teaching from the leader/s plus an environment where safety, confidentiality and respect for each other is continually stressed, the adolescents can progressively learn many skills that will encourage the development of their emotional intelligence, thus fostering resilience and better interpersonal skills, besides receiving emotional support and guidance for the stresses in their lives as immigrant children in a reunited family. The same guidelines and principles utilized in individual therapy are the framework for the group counseling as well and reviewing them before and during the process of leading the members would be a wonderful aid in giving the individuals in the group the help they need in reconnecting successfully in their families. So it becomes a little bit like doing individual therapy in a group setting. This setting, however, has some great advantages that go beyond the ability to provide services to a greater number of youngsters. They learn progressively and at their own pace to talk about personal experiences and trust that others will hold their pain in respectful listening and then express their support. As they share, they inspire others to share similar experiences as well and thus learn that they are not alone in their suffering and that their feelings and reactions are the feelings that any person may have in those circumstances. They learn how to communicate support and understanding as well as setting limits to others, resolving conflict without losing self-control. They increasingly learn to pay attention to their inner feelings and experiences thus connecting their behavior with their observations –insight and self- knowledge. With help from the leader and others, they learn to put themselves in the other’s perspective, ie. parents, teachers, peers, etc.  With coaching from the leaders they learn coping skills to handle painful emotions such as deep breathing, progressive relaxation, guided meditation and self- control strategies such a time out. They learn also how the way they think, or the way they interpret situations, particularly with the parents, may distort their perception and/or maintain negative feelings and outcomes. As they become better communicators, they may challenge and teach their parents to communicate more openly in ways probably the adults never did with anybody. The members of the group also “parent” each other and procure to stop self-defeating behaviors in each other. As they become increasingly more vocal with their thoughts and feelings, they confront each other, when long held resentments, or inability to trust in their parents’ love distorts their perception and expectations of them. The leader can also help them understand the possible cause for some behaviors or lack of emotional communication skills present in their parents and other adults around them from a perspective of lack of good models and opportunities for learning, or painful experiences in their lives.  All very important emotional skills that will be useful to them in all of their relationships through life and that carry over to their present life at home. In there, hopefully they may become also the teachers and models to the parents and the siblings, maybe initiating new and positive forms of interaction and communication. The leaders will also impart, as needed, important information that impact their decision making in their current lives, such as falling into risky behaviors and their consequences, laws and regulations, resources and services and help available to them.

To be continued in next post.

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12. HOW DO WE HELP THEM? Continuation. 7. Post 37

02 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Counseling Immigrants, Dreamers, family separation and reunification, Immigrant Families, Multicultural Counseling

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Central America, Effects of parent-child separation, family reunification, parent-child conflict in immigrant families, Undocumented minors

Going back and trying to recapture some of the events lost by sharing anecdotes about when they were together on the part of the parents, or asking their children to share with them the important or not so important episodes of their life that they missed.  One of the most significant experiences that I have always asked the parents to share with their children is how they felt when they left them.  How they spent nights thinking about them.  How much they missed them and the tears they cried when they saw other children, or a picture of them, etc. The children crave to hear how important the weight of the separation was emotionally for the parent, to hold on to this confirmation of the parents love for them, especially when the going gets rough in the present. For the youngsters it will be more difficult to share as they may withhold information out of their natural anger over the parents’ missing out on important parts of their lives and/or fear of trusting the parents with information that they dread the parents will disapprove, as well as a fear of hurting their feelings and/or seeing their pain. This is a point where guidance from a trusted therapist would help in letting them know that tears and pain are OK and in fact good in getting them closer to their parents. They can cry together at the sadness of opportunities lost. Teaching the parents also about trying to hold criticism and education about values for another time, in order to allow the flow of communication to continue when the youngster is starting to open up and concentrate instead on building trust first. This is the time when both parents and children need from to learn from the professionals or other parents good communication skills such as open questions that encourage sharing and validation of feelings to make the other experience “I am being heard”.

 

In her recently published book Latino Families in Therapy, Second Edition, Dr. Celia Falicov suggests restoring a Shared Family Story by constructing a Catching-Up Life Narrative which makes the idea of sharing the events before, during and after the separation, which is encouraged during therapy sessions, into a product that can be a palpable object. So the stories can be even made into a book or a diary, where these narratives can be recorded and illustrated also with photos or drawings of the houses where the family lived before and after the separation and the narrative goes all the way up to the present. For a media appealing to young children she suggest a helpful tool called the family floor plan where children can draw in a large piece of paper in response to guided questions that may open up the expression of feelings. (Coppersmith, 1980) Again in her new book, Dr. Falicov also suggest the idea of composing a certificate of legitimization which purpose is to clarify and reinstate the role of the parent(s) in its due place in the children’s lives, while at the same time honors the role of the substitute parent, recognizing the contributions as the caretaker of the children. It also makes room for the fact that the caretaker has a much deeper knowledge of the children and needs to help the parent in performing his/her parenting in the present and future. This certificate could form part of a celebration of the reunification as suggested by her, where guests could be invited and which is planned together as a family. (Falicov, 2014). For further details you can read them in the chapter about Transnational Therapies.

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12. HOW DO WE HELP THEM? Continuation. 6. Post 36

25 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Dreamers, family separation and reunification, Immigrant Families, Mental health, Multicultural Counseling

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Central America, Counseling the Immigrant family, Effects of Immigrant Parents and Children Separation, family reunification, immigrant children, Serial Migration of Families, Undocumented minors

In the presence of other critical family problems, they need to be dealt with before the family has the energy and resources to deal with the interrupted relationship issues. Problems such as chronic alcoholism, violence in the family, infidelity, etc. need necessarily to be under control.  Children sometimes join families with serious chronic problems that they had no idea existed.  They may have had coping mechanisms, in place in their own country, which they cannot utilize now, such as the support of extended family or friends or, just looking for refuge in a familiar quiet place.  Perhaps their previous life was relatively calm, and now the children cannot cope, becoming entangled in the dysfunctional dynamics of their new family.  Suicidal attempts and angry acting out are possible in such situations, particularly when the children perceives the quality of their life as having deteriorated greatly since they arrived in the U.S., or when the idealized image of the parents painted to them by well- meaning relatives, or phantasy expectations of their own, crush with the cruel reality. This state of crises necessitates immediate attention and intervention, securing needed services, to stop the escalation of problems.

In some instances, supporting a very thoughtful review of the decision of bringing the child into the family at the present time and a careful comparison with his/her situation back in their own country, may hopefully end up in a joint decision of parents and child to send him or her back, though often this request is initiated by the child.  They perhaps could come back when they have more independent living skills that will allow them to survive, if necessary, on their own. Hopefully, this outcome will be arrived at through lots of communication between parent and child, separating it from the idea of punishment or a “second abandonment.”  Rather, a decision is made that is in the best interest of the child and communicated in that way, sad and difficult as it may be, particularly for the parents and hopefully this sadness will be communicated too, instead of anger or blaming. Perhaps the therapist can help by clarifying that this relationship needs to be preserved for the long haul no matter what the decision is now and the adults need to keep this important fact at the center of their actions.

Sometimes the emotional safety and security the child feels with the grandparents, back in their country is a much better guarantee of securing a better future for him than all the opportunities the US can give the child. Opportunities are not within his/her reach when the child’s energy is consumed trying to cope with a bad situation, as it is clearly seen in some cases at school, where the performance of the students suffer greatly.  Nevertheless, sometimes going back would put the child at risk of war, or other kinds of community violence, or extreme economic hardship.  Perhaps, grandparents are too old and “tired” to care for a difficult teenager and have asked to be relieved of such responsibility. Then, this is obviously not a good decision, and other alternatives have to be explored to secure the safety and emotional well- being of the child. For the parents, it takes great generosity to allow for the kids to go back, or move with another family member, as bringing them meant a great emotional and financial investment on their part. This decision means giving up their dreams of reunification in the interest of giving the child what is best for him or her. It means also dealing with feelings of failure as parents and criticism from the extended family back home. Thus, it is not at all an easy road for the parents to navigate. The protection of the welfare of the child is the main focus for the person providing the services.

Unfortunately, too many parents use the threat of “sending them back” as a way of forcing the youngsters to comply with their rules at home and in doing this they end up reinforcing the insecurity and fragility of the relationship.  A common response of the youngster is to continue their acting out while telling the parents to send them “¡ya!” …already!  All the while, what these children really need is a firm guarantee that the parents will parent them from now on, in the best way they know how, until they no longer need it, no matter what their behavior may be!  This is the only way they can rebuild the trust on them their children need to have. This comes as a surprise to some parents together with some embarrassment in recognition of the mistake in using this threatening approach. Many a time, it is possible to laugh at the humor of the situation with the parents and recognize that it sounds like the spouse always talking of divorce at the first problem, which never helps in creating an environment of trust in the spousal relationship.  In spite of all the threats, if the moment comes for a real separation between parent and child, parents always go through great pain and tremendous doubts, so they laugh at admitting how really this is just an empty threat on their part.  However,  it is not difficult to make the parents see how they are using the very most powerful fear the child has already, that they will be abandoned again, and they make it a reality. Thus, confirming to the children that they will be abandoned and rejected again and that they are not lovable and worthy of being there just because they are who they are: their children, which is at some level what they long to hear and maybe some are perhaps even testing with their rebellious stance.

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12. HOW DO WE HELP THEM? Continuation. 5. Post 35.

19 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Counseling Immigrants, Dreamers, family separation and reunification, Mental health, Multicultural Counseling, transnational families

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Central America, Effects of parent-child separation, family reunification, Helping immigrant children and parents reconnect, parent-child conflict in immigrant families, Serial Migration of Families, The hidden emotional cost of immigration, Undocumented minors

A central part of the healing of the relationship has to include the asking for forgiveness when abuse or trauma has happened to the child in the absence of the parent. The parent failed his/her natural role as a protector of the child, even when this was done unintentionally in the name of seeking a better future for the family.  The asking for forgiveness and even offer some form of symbolic restitution or seeking of justice for the perpetrator should ideally happen so that the child can begin to bond with the parent.  Family therapist Cloé Madanes has made clear the importance of this process in healing the soul of the abused child in cases of incest in general and we can look at her writings about it as one possible guide towards handling such situations, though her model is for a family that has never separated, so the situation is from the start different. Many other therapists also work extensively on including a process that will start or puts in place the seeds for the forgiveness to continue through life, in all forms of abuse and trauma, as a form of helping the healing of the victim.

At first glance, it seems very difficult for some therapists to set the stage for a parent to ask for forgiveness from a child in the Latin culture, where the concept of respect for the parents is so paramount.  However, I found a great number of parents that had done this already with no prompting from anybody because they strongly felt it was the right thing to do, to start rebuilding the relationship with the child. I also found that many parents were not aware of the traumatic or abusive experiences the child went through during their separation, but when they were made aware, they found the asking for forgiveness a clear road  For those others that struggled with it, once the parent understands the purpose and the need: accepting the fact that even unwillingly the parent had failed to protect his or her child and that they are very conscious of the pain the child had to go through because of it, then he/she is able to empathize with the child and they are prepared to do it. Of course they will also be some parents who are unable to do it and this might have connections to their own history of abuse, or perhaps sadly for the child, their very strong need to maintain their relationship to the perpetrator or other needs to deny the incident.  Asking for forgiveness is a process that requires careful preparation of both the parent and the child. As the Madanes model emphasizes, and really, the majority of psychotherapy models, the victim is not pressured to forgive. In this case, the healing starts to take place as the child can see a sincere gesture of remorse and compassion for their pain in the apology of the parent. This opens the door for the child to start to express the feelings and conflicts he has experienced towards the parent, in the past as well as in the present, in connection with the situation of abuse.  This will come about only if their relationship feels safe enough and he/she feels the parent is not so fragile that the disclosures will be too much, The disclosures will happen usually first to the therapist and then slowly and as needed to the parent, with the parent’s support.  Then the process can begin for the child to eventually be able to let go of the painful feelings and therefore its stronghold of the experience in his/her life.  Needless to say, the parents need a great amount of support all through this experience as well. (Madanes, 1990)

Even though mothers sometimes have told me that they have already asked for the forgiveness of the child, however, in further conversation, it is clear that this has not been done in a way that allows for the experience to really register in the mind of the child.   In other words, the child has not really been able to “hear” it and take it in.  Therefore, it needs to be done again, hopefully in a much more powerful way. The mothers (or fathers, as the case may be) need to speak from the heart and focus completely on their pain at the events that have happened, rather than trying to immediately justify her actions in rational ways, like “I had no choice but to leave then”. They might need to voice their wish for magically going back in time and doing things totally different, if they could, or in a perfect world, so that the child never suffered the terrible experiences they went through. “They would have never done it if they knew what was going to happen.” The parents also need to allow and give permission for the child to listen without an obligation to forgive, as forgiveness can take a longer time. Just expressing their sincere tremendous regret is what is important at this time for the relationship to start to heal. The therapy work for the child will emphasize this freedom to choose to forgive only when ready and when they have a real understanding of what this means through us as therapists educating them about this process. As Jack Kornfield, PhD., a Buddhist psychologist who has taught, written and lived forgiveness for over 40 years explains it in his presentations:  Forgiveness does not mean condoning the past, or forgetting about the past. In fact, the victim still needs to protect herself, or himself and others “While I forgive you, I will not let this harm continue.”  It is not about forgetting about what happened, so “It is not a quick papering over, or quick fix, or denial of the past. Instead it is a long process where you “start working through the grief, the outrage, the anger, the fear and the loss, and when it feels impossible at times, you hold yourself with forgiveness because it takes its own time.”  Forgiveness is not really for the other, it is the gift you give to yourself” It is a gift of freedom: to be free of the bitterness and anger that can poison your life and imprison you for years to come. (Kornfield, 2008).  The steps described here are just the beginning of a long process, but the importance of the parents asking for forgiveness honors the child’s pain and can start the process of healing.

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12. HOW DO WE HELP THEM? Continuation. 4. Post 34.

13 Friday Jun 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Counseling Immigrants, Dreamers, family separation and reunification, Mental health, Multicultural Counseling

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Effects of parent-child separation, family reunification, Helping immigrant children and parents reconnect, Serial Migration of Families, Undocumented minors

Asking the parents to honor the relationship of the child with their caregiver, abstaining from criticism of the grandparents or custodial adults with whom the children established a close relationship.  Discussing with the parents and accepting as natural the parents’ painful feelings of jealousy, when confronted with this bond. For most parents this is a painful situation, a person that is closer to your child than yourself.  At the same time asking them to trust that in their children’s heart there will be “space” for them also, particularly if they respect and act generously towards these important figures, no matter what their shortcomings maybe. The history of their relationship to their mother or father entrusted with this child might be full of painful memories and feelings of being not loved enough or cared for, perhaps feeling unseen by that person or even abused. But maybe because this person is in a different stage of their life, perhaps less stress or pain in their lives, they may have been a better caretaker to this child.  Explaining that their child’s loyalty to the caretaker is a sign of what good job they did when they were caring for them, as a baby is able and learns to trust and love in a secure relationship with the parent. When they trusted the child to the caretaker, a most fortunate turn of events happened: the relationship was a good one, which not all children in reunited families enjoyed during the separation, as some ended up neglected or abused, a tragic event for both the parent and the child. Therefore, they, the parents will be loved too, because this child learned how to love well. It will just take some time as the relationship grows in trust and closeness. Which is very related to the next idea in the next paragraph.

As the distortions and unrealistic expectations about the parent-child relationship are removed in both participants, the relationship has to be framed as a new relationship that needs to be built slowly.  The image of removing little by little “the bricks on a wall” that separate them seems helpful.The image of removing little by little “the bricks on a wall” that separate them seems helpful, which I discovered not surprisingly it has been used by other therapists as well (Mitrani, et al. 2004).   It is helpful, as well, to identify those bricks as their fears and defenses.  It usually amazes them to show them the experience from the perspective of the parent, and then from the perspective of the child, as I have done in the workshops with them.  They are amazed that both parent and child experience the same feelings and come to the same interpretations of the other person’s behavior, which ends up making them both feel unloved and rejected. They are both so vigilant for any sign of rejection from the other. They both long for a close, loving relationship, while at the same time theyget afraid and confused by their hurt and difficulty trusting the other. In the child it seems to take the form of: “You left me once, how can I trust that as I allow you to get closer you won’t abandon me again?” From the parent’s perspective it looks like “… after all I have done for you: How can you deny me your love?! How dare you think I am not worthy of it after all I have done!” They are both in part right but, they need to enlarge their view by beginning to accept the perspective of the other in a more compassionate way, understanding the larger picture which includes the circumstances for the separation and the pain the child felt, which in my experience most parents do and most children are willing to open their hearts as the interactions become more positive and respectful and growing in empathy of the other.

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12. HOW DO WE HELP THEM? 1. Early identification. Post 31

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Counseling Immigrants, Dreamers, family separation and reunification, Immigrant families, Immigrant Families, Mental health, Multicultural Counseling, transnational families

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Effects of Immigrant Parents and Children Separation, family reunification, Serial Migration of Families, Transnational families, unaccompanied minors, Undocumented minors

It is hard to stop telling the engaging and very personal stories of the “reunited families” and bring to the forefront some of the common issues they all have, in order to think about ways of approaching treatment intervention.  In spite of common elements, each family has reunited bringing their own very different history, which, through the generations, colors with a particular meaning their experience of separation and of coming together.  Past separations and losses have been “explained” and lived out emotionally in each family’s own particular way. This “inheritance” is the framing for the current reunion. It is for us as therapists to find this special meaning, in order to help bring the family into a restorative encounter. So, this is an important task to undertake and which we cannot ignore: we need to find out the meaning of the parent-child separation for each of the members affected by it. How do they interpret this experience both emotionally and cognitively, as these two meanings may be very different.  In my experience, many of the youngsters have lived the separation emotionally as abandonment, even though they may have been told repeatedly by their extended family that it was a necessary step to insure the wellbeing and survival of the family. Some, however, felt it like parents were placing income over their emotional well- being and may express such feelings as “I would have rather be poor together than live apart”, or more directly, “all they care about was the money”. All of this, with the very limited adolescent’s understanding, of course, of what that means in terms of anxiety and suffering for parents that cannot provide adequately for their children. The same conflictive meanings hold true for the parents, who even though they could see the separation as a necessary step to provide adequately for the children, they still feel the guilt of not participating, protecting and being there for the child on their daily life and milestones. Even though, on the other hand, some authors have described cultures of migration and “other mothering” (Chamberlain, 1997) which makes for a more supportive and less guilt inducing environment for the parent and possibly diminish any critical evaluation of the decision by the extended family left to care for the child. This is the other key factor of the emotional meaning the separation carries for both parent and child, as we have seen in some of the stories narrated before, where the caretaker assigns a very negative meaning to the parent leaving: “she didn’t want to take care of you”, making it virtually impossible for the parent-child relationship to start healing on reunification without outside help in revisiting the story.  The meaning can start to change when we allow for all the factors involved to play a role in the picture that colors the separation, where reality is not a black and white judgment, but integrates a sense of compassionate understanding of the situation as a whole and leaves room for forgiveness. Because forgiveness is called for, even though the real bad guy is poverty and lack of opportunities, that create migration as the only open door for people the world over, or in some other cases, the need to escape violence, either in the community, or as political or racial/religious persecution, or at home, as domestic violence, as it is the case with some of our families.  However, why is forgiveness still called for?  As I have explained it to parents, it is because as parents one of our most important roles is to be the protector, and every time we fail, or are not there to protect, even when it is not out of our own choice, we can ask for forgiveness to pave the road for mending the parent-child bond. Why? Because our child is hurting, and suffered with our absence, missed us and longed for us to be there or felt other children got to have the parenting that he/she missed. Because perhaps, we erroneously thought that the separation would be shorter. Particularly, and most importantly, when the child suffered abuse or neglect in the hands of the caretaker or others. I will come back to this important process of asking for forgiveness more in depth, but I just wanted to put it out there, to start the process of thinking about it. This is a process that needs to be carefully and thoroughly understood and emotionally accepted for the one asking for the forgiveness, for it to work well. Because forgiveness is a process that takes time for the one doing the forgiving, and that person is entitled to have the time needed. Thus, it is not necessarily the first step in the therapeutic process. However, in my view this is one of the pillars we want to build on for the process of healing to take place, even when we need to respect the actors involved in choosing their own speed and comfort in it.

The first step in the therapeutic process is trying to identify the immigrant families that separated for a long time and hopefully, as early as possible, so that we can prevent the problems from growing within the parent-child relationship. Additionally, and just as important, because for the sons and daughters it is too much to ask of them to be dealing with this process of recovery of their relationship with their parents, while at the same time they are navigating adaptation to a new country, learning a new language, many new skills and a totally new educational system, mourning their losses of family and friends and trying to build new relationships with peers.  In this, the school systems have an advantage over clinical environments, because they can intervene early and easily, by identifying in the entrance level, or lower level English as a Second Language classes, who the families and students are who are reuniting, by asking the students to answer a few simple questions in a short questionnaire about who they lived with in their country and how long they were separated from the parents. Or, as we had also done in our system, a question about that information was asked in the intake form, for parents to fill out together with all the other background information about the student. When the students were identified, then they were invited to participate in a workshop about separation and reunification and the parents were later invited to participate with their newcomer child to a workshop with the same content. These workshops will be examined in detail later on,  as they are closely based on the ideas for therapy of the reunited family, as shared in this section. So the reader needs to be thoroughly acquainted with this background information, before attempting to use them.

When the parents and the child are not identified early in this manner, and targeted for psycho-educational intervention, while additionally offered further therapeutic follow up as needed, then, these questions need to be incorporated as a routine inquiry in an intake of immigrant youngsters and their family, as they come to the attention of the clinician, either in the school system or in the community mental health system.

 

 

 

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11 RESEARCH ON IMMIGRANT FAMILIES SEPARATION Part 2. Post 30.

26 Monday May 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in Counseling Immigrants, Dreamers, Immigrant families, Immigrant parents and children

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Effects of parent-child separation, family reunification, family separation, Transnational families

Research also confirms many of the patterns of conflict that come forward while listening to the stories narrated by the students and parents, presented in here. So, for example, during reunification, children and youth often report ambivalence about leaving behind their beloved caretakers, extended families and friends and are anxious about meeting members of the biological family who have become strangers over the prolonged separation (Foner, 2009; Menjibar and Abrego, 2009) Parents often report struggles with asserting their authority and frustration that their financial and emotional sacrifices are not fully appreciated by their children (Abrego, 2009; Drebi, 2009; Foner, 2009; Menjibar & Abrego, 2009; Zhou, 2009).  The clinical reports in the literature also replicate many of the difficulties encountered by the families as described in the stories:  a pattern of conflict during the reunification of the family (Glassgow & Gouse-Shees, 1995; Sciarra, 1999.  Children experiencing ambivalence about joining their parents (Boti &Bautista, 1999; Rousseau et al., 2009; Sciarra, 1999).  Children feeling in competition for the mother’s affection with the children born in the host country (Arnold, 2006, Houdagne, 2002); and difficulties establishing intra-family relationships (Arnold, 2006; Boti and Bautista, 1999; Sewell-Coker, Hamilton-Collins &Fein, 1985).  The longer the separation, the more difficult it is for adolescents to identify with parents and conform to their rules (Smith, Lalonde & Johnson, 2004). Children who were forced to leave to join the parents had an increased difficulty adjusting to their new life and increased conflict with parents ( Smith et al.2004) Complications of parental guilt were also reported, which resulted in discipline inconsistencies and overindulgence (Arnold, 1991; Burke, 1980). And a continual pattern of rejection and counter-rejection between parents and children was described in another study.  (Glassgow & Gouse-Shees, 1995).  Many reunified families experienced difficulties in adjustment, conflicts and tension, especially during the youngster’s adolescence.  ( Rusch & Reyes,( 2013); Falicov (2002); Hondagneu et at. (2002 Crawford-Brown & Melrose, 2001; Lashley, 2000).

Other clinical studies also point to the detrimental effects on the psychological wellbeing of children and adolescent immigrants when separated from the parents. Some of these studies make a distinction between the difficulties occurring during the separation phase, when the parents have just left the children with a caretaker, and just as we have heard from the students in the stories, they experience profound sadness from feeling abandoned and may respond with despair and detachment (Artico, 2003). And then, again, during the reunification phase, when they miss those who cared for them while the parents were absent, as well as extended family and friends (Arnold, 1991; Schiarra, 1999) and, after long separations, they feel like strangers with their parents and siblings (Artico, 2003; Shapiro, 2002; Forman, 1993). Difficulties with attachment have been observed (Wilkes, 1992); children withdraw emotionally from their parents ( Mitraniet et al. (2004; Suarez-Orozco et al., 2002; Burke, 1980; and describe low self-esteem at the time of reunion (Smith, et al., 2004).  Studies have reported depressive symptoms in both the children (Rutter, 1991) and the mothers (Bernard et al., 2006; Hohn, 1996). Children experience difficulties trusting others (Arnold, 2006; Artico, 2003) and a study linked those with longer separation experience with receiving psychiatric services (Morgan et al, 2007). Some of the youngsters have been described also as exhibiting externalizing symptoms such as increase anger and aggression, expressing their pain though anger in the parent-child relationship and outside the family (Burke, 1980; Dreby, 2007; Lashley, 2000; Smith, 2006; Wilkes, 1992.

Psychological symptoms precipitated or aggravated by the migration process can appear at any time –at the time of departure, later, or precipitated by a life cycle event, like a death or sickness in the family, or at the time of reunion, as observed in clinical settings; and, in any of the family members (Falicov, 1998)  All of these outcomes related to the separation occur apparently in spite of the fact that the parents are using new technologies in an effort to keep in touch by sending remittances of money, or packages, phone cards, or at times e-mails or sparse visits. (Falicov, 2014, 2005)

As more opportunities are available for domestic and caretakers work for immigrant women, more women are coming alone into the USA. Many clinics see an increasing number of women who are solo immigrants who present with depression, or psychosomatic complains, but the subject of the separation is never discussed (Falicov, 2014, 2005) Many mothers and fathers have a very difficult time trying to keep the communication with their children back home because of the pain it revives is unbearable and a feeling that enduring in silence is a better way of coping than expressing their sadness, especially to their children. This is a way of coping reinforced by their culture, social norms and religious norms. (Falicov, 2014, 2005) However, to me, this seems more of a universal way of coping for people of many cultures, who have endured a lot of hardship in their lives.

In a retrospective study of serial migration and family separation/reunification in Caribbean immigrants in Toronto, Canada, the authors interviewed 48 adults: 20 males and 28 females, who were of a mean age of 26.93 years. The mean age at separation was 4.94 years and, at reunification, it was 14.43 years.  71% were left behind by the mother, 25% by both parents and 4% by the father. The authors found that the length of separation from the parents was significantly related to perceived complications in the parent-child relationship, less compliance with parents, less family cohesion and less identification with the parents as adults. Families immigrating together had less problems adjusting to new situations and better adaptation to the host country. (Smith, Lalonde and Johnson, 2004)

In this same study the factors identified as contributors to emotional and behavioral difficulties in children were: a) the children not receiving adequate preparation for the event of the separation; b) being marginalized in the new caregiver’s home; c) having multiple shifts of caregivers and d) having extended periods of not being with parents.

In 2010, a preliminary staged study, using quantitative and qualitative methods, was done in schools in Baltimore, Maryland, with a population of Latino immigrant students, their parents, teachers and counselors. In this research, the authors attempted to establish the effects of family separation and reunification on the educational success of immigrant children in the USA. They concluded that there is a negative schooling impact of parent-child’s separation: children separated from their parents during migration are more likely to be behind others their age in school and more likely to drop- out of high school. They also discovered through statistical analysis of data that more than the length of the separation, it was the age of the children at separation and reunification the factor that incremented the negative effect of the separation. Thus, there was no significant impact for children younger than 13, while for older teenagers the impact was significant, measured as school drop-out rate;  although many other factors maybe influencing this age related outcome and more research needs to be done. (Gindling & Poggio, 2010)  School systems with a high percentage of immigrant students have to struggle to incorporate a great number of new arrivals who come both, with or without documents, and have the added stress of having experienced a long separation from a parent and coping with its effects on reunification (Suarez-Orozco, et al., 2008) As a result of becoming increasingly aware of this largely unseen problem, some local school systems are trying to support these reunited families through short-term psycho-educational programs funded through grants.

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9. The Trauma of War and Violence. Post 21

07 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by Silvia Araneda Burwell, LPC in bilingual mental health, Counseling Immigrants, family separation and reunification, Immigrant families, Immigrant Families, Immigrant parents and children, Mental health, Multicultural Counseling, Separation and Attachment, Trauma Treatment, unaccompanied children from Central America

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

family reunification, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Trauma and violence

David Diaz.PNG pandilleroTrauma occurs in children when there is neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse, or when they live or witness experiences that put them, or their caretakers, in situations in which their life or well-being is in great danger.

There was a time when most of our students coming from Central America had experienced war trauma. I remember the shockwave of listening to all these nervously giggling youngsters, talking about finding dead bodies lying by the side of the road, or hanging from a tree. Youngsters, who were talking to us about finding tests of courage among peers, in throwing pebbles to the mouth, or the eyes, of a cadaver.  And even more shockingly, youngsters that had been forced to serve in the military at 10 or 12 years of age, as soon as they could carry a rifle, telling us horrifying stories of shooting in the dark not knowing exactly where, so scared that tears were rolling freely from their eyes and adult soldiers giving them “mota“(marihuana) so they could withstand the hell of a battlefield. “Campesino” girls, (girls in the rural parts of the countries), who had been abducted and raped by the guerrilla or the soldiers, while doing their daily chores; or taken by them to be their forced concubines while they were up in the mountains hiding. Furthermore, it is so sad to remember working with a little girl who had witnessed the rape of her mother by the soldiers who were looking for insurgents and passed by their home and found them alone.  She had become selectively mute, speaking only at home, but never in school.  And, yet again, so many little boys and girls, who witnessed their grandfather, or father, being killed by the guerrilla, or by the soldiers, or by someone looking for some sort of revenge. So many stories of violence that scarred the memories of these children, it was heartbreaking to listen to them and it overwhelmed the mental health system with adults, adolescents and children suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and very few professionals were adequately trained and supervised to care for them. Nowadays, the war stories have subsided some in the present young generation, though they still live in many of the parents’ memories. We tend to forget that so many of the parents of our young patients come from this generation and their experiences in many have never healed, nor have they received the necessary professional attention. It is no wonder, then, that depression and generalized anxiety are quite prevalent among them and interfere many times with their parenting ability. A wonderful novel depicting this drama of the families caught between the violence generated by both the guerrillas and the army is a book called The Weight of All Things (Benitez, 2001), which describes the story of a boy and his grandfather in the mountains of El Salvador, their lives caught in the crossfire of the civil war.

Civil wars and political upheaval swept many countries in Latin American leaving profound scars in the individual and collective memories of their people all through the 70’s and 80’s with many testimonies of horrifying violations of human rights The war stories may have diminished, in some places, but not the stories of violence and the resulting trauma. The war left in all of those places two legacies: abundant arms and a culture of indifference towards the value of life.  A fertile terrain now for gang violence and drug trafficking, the tremendous threat to the peaceful existence of many families trying to care for young ones and protect them from their call to violence. So many of our male adolescents can tell the same kind of terrifying experiences from the urban warfare that is the “maras” (gangs), reigning out of control,  in the cities and towns of their countries. Many students have shared their stories in group counseling: watching their best friends get killed in a shoot by assault. At times, running and feeling the bullets, flying by so near; and other times, seeing corpses of youngsters from their neighborhood lying on the streets. Recounting how, many of their friends have already been killed and, who knows if they had stayed, maybe they would be dead too, even though, at the time, they were too young to be an official member of the gang.

Sergio would narrate how his grandmother could not really keep him at home and he would escape through the window at night, to run with his older friends and cousins,  or, to go dancing to clubs who never check the kids age, and then be in the middle of violent confrontations, trying to hide or run. You could still see the panic in his eyes as he remembered those scenarios. Sergio could not sit still in class and was always disrupting the lessons. Teachers wondered whether he suffered from ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Instead, listening to his stories I wondered if he was more probably a case of Post Traumatic Disorder. He had never talked to his parents about all the difficult experiences he had gone through and he refused to. He felt he could not share these experiences with his parents here.  They would only get mad at him and yell. He could only open up to an older cousin who had lived similar experiences and understood them. Providentially, the cousin would always advise him to stay out of trouble here in this country and he would listen.

Pedro had a variation of the same story, except that this time it was his mother the one who could not keep him away from the streets and his much older friends. These teenagers both protected and “parented him” as if he was their little brother, but were continually amid the dangers of gang life. He had never before shared with anybody, all the very scary experiences he had gone through and refused to share them with his emotionally distant father, with whom he was now living after a long separation.

Living in rural environments, the youngsters are still not protected from violence. An unreliable and inadequate police force in the small towns makes for an abundance of violent crime, starting in a drunk quarrel and ending up in one of the men attacking the other with a machete, a long curved knife used both as an agricultural tool, as well as for self- defense. As in the case of Carlos, a very restless, disrupting youngster as described by the teacher, ever since he had arrived in school, who disclosed in group the experience of seeing his father head almost entirely separated from his body, as neighbors were bringing the cadaver back home after one of the many quarrels when the men had been drinking. He was only 5 years old at the time and since then he suffered from repeated nightmares about it.  His sharing of this storyopened the door to several other such stories, in the other members of the group. Just about all of them had suffered some sort of trauma at a very young age, when exposed to death and violence of members of their own or extended family.

In the larger cities, the experience of the families involves the threat of kidnapping and attacks on the family by gang members, if their young male children refuse to join in the life of crime. We are witnessing more and more stories of this kind in the schools. Both male and female teenagers arriving with stories of having to leave, or they would have been killed, or some member of their family would have been killed, or perhaps a sister raped by urban gangs, if they refused to join them. Again, the police was seemingly unable to control such frequent threats of violence in their communities.

Liset would tell stories to us about gangs getting into the buses traveling to the city and holding a knife to each passenger, threatening to kill them if they did not hand in their money, cellular phones or anything of value.  The bus driver was either an accomplice or was probably too scared to call the police, or do anything about it and everybody would just comply with the demands. This would happen week after week with total immunity.

Jorge’s aunt had a little “almacén” or corner store.  She had to pay the “renta” or extorsion money so the gangs would leave them alone and not kidnap her 14 year old daughter as they had threatened in the phone.  His uncle was of the opinion that it was better to befriend them and that way they would be “protected”, so he was of no help either.

Violence is then a permanent stressor in the lives of many of these urban and rural youngsters and their families and keeping their guard up to defend against it is an everyday task, which makes focusing on other parts of their lives very difficult. This sounds, tragically, very similar to the lives of many American families and youngsters living in some dangerous, inner city crime-ridden environments, right here in this country.

 

 

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